Breaking Point

Valentine’s Day February 14, 2014. I had just got back together with my girlfriend two weeks prior. Things seemed to be going well and seemed like I was on a new course. Then Valentine’s day came around. My girlfriend had to work on Valentine’s Day, she is a workaholic. We had planned on celebrating it on Saturday. Friday rolls around after a long night of drinking with my roommates up at East lansing Thursday. I wake up to the two of them playing Super Mario N64. Decided to go back to bed because I was still hung over. Wake back up six hours later around 6PM with the two of them still playing the same game. Figuring I wouldn’t ever get to use the TV or be productive I sat in my room contemplating whether or not to drive home to see my girl at work. I always went to visit her at work the first time we were dating and she always seemed to like it. Every time before I would walk into her store, my heart would start racing about four times faster than normal. I always knew though that getting to see her and getting to talk to her would get me to calm down. Her voice always had a funny way of putting me at ease and putting my fears on the back burner. After an hour or so I decided to go surprise her at work. Not before going on the internet and looking up Valentine’s Day on the internet and what to get Girls for Valentine’s day. This was only my second time being with someone on Valentine’s day and I only took her to dinner last year on a different day because I was up at school. This time I wanted to get something big. Something awesome, something that made her know how much I loved having her in my life. I Saw the whole bears, candy, flowers, and thought it was a little cliche. Our relationship wasn’t cliche at all so, I didn’t think it deserved a cliche gift. As I drove home, I continued to think of ideas of what I could possibly get her that would make her face drop when she saw the gift. The closer I came to her work the more nervous I got because I couldn’t think of anything. So, I got off an exit early to stop at Meijers and not go to Kroger where I could have just picked up flowers and called it a day. Little did I know it would be the worst mistake I ever made. As I got into Meijer, I saw one flowers roses, little bears, one flower in a pot that looked cheaply made. I thought none of that was good enough to give to my girlfriend. I wanted something bigger, better, more of the WOW factor. Time was not on my side though, I only had 40 minutes until her work would close. With my hangover still lingering, the thirst for water took over and I ended up buying a Disani water bottle. Somehow I had convinced myself to not get her anything and that she would be ok with it. I rationalized in mind that it would be okay. My rational had become irrational.

Just like a little quote I heard not to long ago. “The greatest Trick the Devil ever pulled, was convincing the world that he didn’t exist.”- from the Usual Suspect.

From that point on I had fallen apart. I tried to cover my tracks by telling her I was getting her something tomorrow and that she was expecting something so it didn’t make it special. I took out account of her feeling and was too selfish. After that we texted and I got jealous of the guys that came into her work at around the same time I did. I had never gotten jealous before and she told me she didn’t want to see me that day. I think she knew that I was falling apart. I drove home to bring her flowers to try and make up for it, but the damage had already been done. She didn’t want to see me and did everything in her power to block all communication so that I couldn’t contact her. I eventually ended up crying on the phone pleading like a dumbass. She called me and dumped my sorry ass, rightfully so. She told me that she wasn’t going to be dating anyone else. She needed to take a couple steps back. It was still the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I deserved it all and my actions after the break up have only pushed her farther away from me. We were still facebook friends, then she defriended me after I went to her work a month after we broke up to bring her Orchids (lesson learned don’t bring a girl who is still pissed at you). She is usually the lady who greets people when they walk into the store (yeah I still think she’s as beautiful as the sun). I didn’t even get my second foot in the entrance to the store she works at. When she saw me she just shook her with disapproval and Ran away from me into the back room. I knew she was going to cry, and there was no way of comforting her. It was like a dagger through the heart. I had never actually made someone runaway from me before. I will never forget that day. Should I have chased after her, maybe, maybe not, but I knew that I was in no right mind set to explain myself of be able to make sense of this crazy situation that I got myself into. I was officially broken.

 

Point A

Hello people, with a little encouragement from someone I just got to know, I finally decided to make a blog. Sorry if my blog may not be that organized with this being my first time. In time hopefully I will improve and be able to articulate my thoughts in a more precise manner. Without further ado, here are some facts, so you can get to know a little more about who I am and where I come from.

First, I am a male 21 years old. I am the youngest of five children, and the only one with “Ginger” red hair. My parents are married. My family has very close knit connections with each other. Sometimes, I think we might be too close. I know when push comes to shove they have got my back, and I need to have theirs. They have always picked on me for my red hair since I was young, using the typical FedEx, Milkman, and ginger comments. To say that these comments annoyed me would be a understatement, but I always had a hard exterior to just brush them off like they never bothered me. If they ever did, I could console in the greatest mother I could have ever asked for. As I am typing this right now, she is feeding my first nephew dinner, while making my dinner for just my Dad and I. She amazes me every single day with the way she lives life for a greater cause then herself. She puts up with all of the shit that comes with taking care of five children. My Dad goes to work everyday even though I know he hates it. Without them I know I wouldn’t even exist, so I will be forever grateful.

Back to the topic of me LoL. Like I said I would jump around a lot because that’s what tends to happen to my thoughts over the past few years. Probably why I can’t keep anything straight and why I have made this world a little more complicated than necessary. DatflyGingerCEO23. Why did I pick that name? Well first it was going to be DatGingerBoss23 based off of the fact that I had a guy a Starbucks call me Boss when he asked to use the plugin port to charge his laptop that was underneath where I sat that evening. Crazy how a single word or phrase could put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. So, I looked up synonyms for boss and came across CEO. Chief Executive Officer’s main responsibilities according to investopedia include developing and implementing strategies, making major decisions, and managing overall operations and resources of a company. They are the head honcho and in a sense have a pretty direct influence on the direction of a company.I have recently struggled to direct my own life. I stopped acting like the CEO of myself letting other things take over my drivers seat. I have a destroyed image of myself. I have let fear take over and in turn I have turned my back on the world. I brainwashed myself into believing  that my actions wouldn’t have negative consequences. As a result, i struggled to do well in college, closed myself off to everyone, and most importantly convinced myself that there wasn’t a problem when one definitely existed. I started looking for anything that would give me an instant gratification/high whether it be alcohol, partying, video games, and other things.

I am re-teaching to apply myself in a positive manner. I need to focus on myself and rebranding my self image, self esteem, confidence, and ability to believe in myself. I know I have to make changes and part of this blog I am sure is to help me organize my thoughts and creating a plan that I can put into action. Still not sure what my blog will serve in the end, but I know that I needed to start somewhere. Before I get to point B, I have got to start and have a good understanding of point A(no I am not Canadian). My hopes would definitely consist of not feeling alone because I am sure that there are other people out there with ten times the amount of problems that I have. Also, we can all learn from each other and that we don’t have to make life harder than it needs to be. I do not want to jump from point A to point B because I am going enjoy this journey. There will be no greater gratification when I have successfully turned the corner and made a better life for myself. Hopefully all this writing can reteach me things about myself that I took for granted, and to see the flaws that I have encountered in my life.

With that being said, my Dad happened to flip to the movie Coach Carter while I was in the middle of writing this blog. He couldn’t have turned it on at a better time. Society has a funny way of oppressing every kind of person no matter their race, gender, ethnicity, or age. It is the strong minded though that just brush that off, and don’t let the little thing phase them. We all have that ability in us. We just have to find a way to overcome our fear and to let it shine. That is why I like this quote so much. I think it brings up a lot of good points and it makes me start believing in things again. That is where it all starts, A belief.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson