I’ll Miss Standing out in a Crowd

 You are on a mission to Mars. Because of the length of the journey, you will never be able to return to Earth. What about our blue planet will you miss the most?

I’d miss the daily interactions with people the most. People have always fascinated me. Growing up as a person with red hair, I have gotten all kind of looks and names from every kind of person. I have been called Ginger, fire crotch, red, carrot top, FedEx and the devil. As much as I dislike it, I try and use it as a positive to judge the character of a person I meet. How long will it take them to call me a ginger or make a comment about my red hair. People don’t realize how much it can affect someone. It really is a good testament to their character, may not being the only way to tell if they are a genuine person but is significant in my life. When it happens everyday. I have only recently tried to make my red hair a positive part in my life because there is nothing I can do to change it.So I mine as well own it. I have had little kids at stores be scared of me or look at my red in shock and awe because I stand out in the crowd. I know it makes me unique to everyone else and haters are just gonna hate. So I guess I will miss being called a Ginger. I’m getting back to realize maybe I was given this Red hair to stand out.

“We spend our whole lives trying to fit in when we were born to stand out”-IDK I’ve heard it  somewhere before.

We were all put on this World at a different time, place, with different attributes. Thats what makes it so awesome. We were all meant to make a different mark. Mine just might have some shades of red to go along with it.

Quiet Room

Breathing Room

An extra room has magically been added to your home overnight. The catch: if you add more than three items to it, it disappears. How do you use it?

If the room magically appeared overnight I would hope it is sound proof. The three items I’d want in the room would be a memory foam bed/mattress, a blacklight that would illuminate the whole room, and a ball. I would use the room to get away from the world. It would let me take a step back and reflect on my thoughts. Memory foam beds are super comfortable, so that would definitely settle me down while i meditate. I could throw the ball against the wall so I would have a distraction to stop my thoughts from wondering. I like the way blacklight’s can change the atmopshere of a room. My room in college had blacklights and I always felt at peace and cool when I had them on. We are always trying to do so much in a day that we don’t give ourselves a rest. It would be my area to take a chill pill

Topless Container

Which emotion(s) — joy, envy, rage, pity, or something else — do you find to be the hardest to contain?

Emotions have a funny way of making us react to situations based off of our first instinct. Some of us choose to let that first instinct take control because it seems normal. Some of us choose to keep them all bottled up inside scared to let the world see how we react to life. I have had the fortunate opportunity to experience both sides of reacting to my emotions. In my experience fear would take the lead in having the greatest power over me. I have let fear take over for a little allowing it to cloud my thoughts and judgement. Shoot I have fear right now wondering how people would react to my blog. Two months ago I would have never wrote a blog, let alone talk about myself and my problems. See I am more of a people pleaser. I gain joy through seeing other people smile. I may have lost that when I stop taking care of myself.  But just like the first step in anything we do, we must first be able to recognize what we are doing. To step back and identify our emotions may make our problems a little bigger. Sometimes to solve a problem you have to make it larger so you can divide it up into smaller attainable steps to not overwhelm yourself. My biggest problem with fear stopped me from showing people for who I really am. Now that I recognize it though, I can take off the top of my container and let it fill with things that I have a bit of control over.

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Patron Saint of Ideals

writing101 In 300 years, if you were to be named the patron saint of X, what would you like X to be? Places, activities, objects — all are fair game.

What are ideals without the realization that they will always be just out of reach? To be honored with the Patron Saint of Ideals, would be one of the the highest honors. In no way am I a perfect person, but that does not make me a bad person. No one in this world makes the right decision every single time throughout the day. Think about it, we make thousands of decisions every day, sometimes without even realizing we have made a choice. No person on the Earth can be perfect or life would be just boring. In realizing that perfection will never be attained, we can still strive to improve ourselves everyday. We should never compare ourselves to people, but instead work on improving our past selves. It takes a lot of power to accept the fact that you are perfectly imperfect. Being cognizant enough to realize your faults and errors to better yourself all the time takes a lot of effort. The greatest people realize when they have made a mistake and are man/woman enough to access the problem. Then they take a step back to think of a solution so they can get onto polishing another skill than needs tendering too. Practicing all of the little things in life and remember what’s important to you. We often get caught up in society thinking that we need perfect in everything we do.We try to get everything accomplished in a small amount of time and wearing ourselves out in the process. As a result, we end up overestimating what we can do in a day and underestimating what we can do in a year.

As a saint of Ideals, I would hope people would see me as a perfect example of how an imperfect man worked for gold, when only silver existed. I would want them to see that I stand for something bigger than myself. I had a meaning of life class last year at MSU and my professor told my class a story. It was about a man who got told by the gods to roll a stone up to the top of the hill, only to have it roll back down the hill. Then to repeat that all the time for the rest of his life. Who in their right mind would agree to such a thing. The man looked at them and just rolled the stone up the hill. He accepted the challenge and made his life something other than himself. When you can work on improving yourself you give yourself the power to help others. That indeed is the greatest satisfaction of life. Never stop working because there is always work to be done. Don’t be satisfied with average because the in reality only makes life boring.

Breaking Point

Valentine’s Day February 14, 2014. I had just got back together with my girlfriend two weeks prior. Things seemed to be going well and seemed like I was on a new course. Then Valentine’s day came around. My girlfriend had to work on Valentine’s Day, she is a workaholic. We had planned on celebrating it on Saturday. Friday rolls around after a long night of drinking with my roommates up at East lansing Thursday. I wake up to the two of them playing Super Mario N64. Decided to go back to bed because I was still hung over. Wake back up six hours later around 6PM with the two of them still playing the same game. Figuring I wouldn’t ever get to use the TV or be productive I sat in my room contemplating whether or not to drive home to see my girl at work. I always went to visit her at work the first time we were dating and she always seemed to like it. Every time before I would walk into her store, my heart would start racing about four times faster than normal. I always knew though that getting to see her and getting to talk to her would get me to calm down. Her voice always had a funny way of putting me at ease and putting my fears on the back burner. After an hour or so I decided to go surprise her at work. Not before going on the internet and looking up Valentine’s Day on the internet and what to get Girls for Valentine’s day. This was only my second time being with someone on Valentine’s day and I only took her to dinner last year on a different day because I was up at school. This time I wanted to get something big. Something awesome, something that made her know how much I loved having her in my life. I Saw the whole bears, candy, flowers, and thought it was a little cliche. Our relationship wasn’t cliche at all so, I didn’t think it deserved a cliche gift. As I drove home, I continued to think of ideas of what I could possibly get her that would make her face drop when she saw the gift. The closer I came to her work the more nervous I got because I couldn’t think of anything. So, I got off an exit early to stop at Meijers and not go to Kroger where I could have just picked up flowers and called it a day. Little did I know it would be the worst mistake I ever made. As I got into Meijer, I saw one flowers roses, little bears, one flower in a pot that looked cheaply made. I thought none of that was good enough to give to my girlfriend. I wanted something bigger, better, more of the WOW factor. Time was not on my side though, I only had 40 minutes until her work would close. With my hangover still lingering, the thirst for water took over and I ended up buying a Disani water bottle. Somehow I had convinced myself to not get her anything and that she would be ok with it. I rationalized in mind that it would be okay. My rational had become irrational.

Just like a little quote I heard not to long ago. “The greatest Trick the Devil ever pulled, was convincing the world that he didn’t exist.”- from the Usual Suspect.

From that point on I had fallen apart. I tried to cover my tracks by telling her I was getting her something tomorrow and that she was expecting something so it didn’t make it special. I took out account of her feeling and was too selfish. After that we texted and I got jealous of the guys that came into her work at around the same time I did. I had never gotten jealous before and she told me she didn’t want to see me that day. I think she knew that I was falling apart. I drove home to bring her flowers to try and make up for it, but the damage had already been done. She didn’t want to see me and did everything in her power to block all communication so that I couldn’t contact her. I eventually ended up crying on the phone pleading like a dumbass. She called me and dumped my sorry ass, rightfully so. She told me that she wasn’t going to be dating anyone else. She needed to take a couple steps back. It was still the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I deserved it all and my actions after the break up have only pushed her farther away from me. We were still facebook friends, then she defriended me after I went to her work a month after we broke up to bring her Orchids (lesson learned don’t bring a girl who is still pissed at you). She is usually the lady who greets people when they walk into the store (yeah I still think she’s as beautiful as the sun). I didn’t even get my second foot in the entrance to the store she works at. When she saw me she just shook her with disapproval and Ran away from me into the back room. I knew she was going to cry, and there was no way of comforting her. It was like a dagger through the heart. I had never actually made someone runaway from me before. I will never forget that day. Should I have chased after her, maybe, maybe not, but I knew that I was in no right mind set to explain myself of be able to make sense of this crazy situation that I got myself into. I was officially broken.

 

Point A

Hello people, with a little encouragement from someone I just got to know, I finally decided to make a blog. Sorry if my blog may not be that organized with this being my first time. In time hopefully I will improve and be able to articulate my thoughts in a more precise manner. Without further ado, here are some facts, so you can get to know a little more about who I am and where I come from.

First, I am a male 21 years old. I am the youngest of five children, and the only one with “Ginger” red hair. My parents are married. My family has very close knit connections with each other. Sometimes, I think we might be too close. I know when push comes to shove they have got my back, and I need to have theirs. They have always picked on me for my red hair since I was young, using the typical FedEx, Milkman, and ginger comments. To say that these comments annoyed me would be a understatement, but I always had a hard exterior to just brush them off like they never bothered me. If they ever did, I could console in the greatest mother I could have ever asked for. As I am typing this right now, she is feeding my first nephew dinner, while making my dinner for just my Dad and I. She amazes me every single day with the way she lives life for a greater cause then herself. She puts up with all of the shit that comes with taking care of five children. My Dad goes to work everyday even though I know he hates it. Without them I know I wouldn’t even exist, so I will be forever grateful.

Back to the topic of me LoL. Like I said I would jump around a lot because that’s what tends to happen to my thoughts over the past few years. Probably why I can’t keep anything straight and why I have made this world a little more complicated than necessary. DatflyGingerCEO23. Why did I pick that name? Well first it was going to be DatGingerBoss23 based off of the fact that I had a guy a Starbucks call me Boss when he asked to use the plugin port to charge his laptop that was underneath where I sat that evening. Crazy how a single word or phrase could put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. So, I looked up synonyms for boss and came across CEO. Chief Executive Officer’s main responsibilities according to investopedia include developing and implementing strategies, making major decisions, and managing overall operations and resources of a company. They are the head honcho and in a sense have a pretty direct influence on the direction of a company.I have recently struggled to direct my own life. I stopped acting like the CEO of myself letting other things take over my drivers seat. I have a destroyed image of myself. I have let fear take over and in turn I have turned my back on the world. I brainwashed myself into believing  that my actions wouldn’t have negative consequences. As a result, i struggled to do well in college, closed myself off to everyone, and most importantly convinced myself that there wasn’t a problem when one definitely existed. I started looking for anything that would give me an instant gratification/high whether it be alcohol, partying, video games, and other things.

I am re-teaching to apply myself in a positive manner. I need to focus on myself and rebranding my self image, self esteem, confidence, and ability to believe in myself. I know I have to make changes and part of this blog I am sure is to help me organize my thoughts and creating a plan that I can put into action. Still not sure what my blog will serve in the end, but I know that I needed to start somewhere. Before I get to point B, I have got to start and have a good understanding of point A(no I am not Canadian). My hopes would definitely consist of not feeling alone because I am sure that there are other people out there with ten times the amount of problems that I have. Also, we can all learn from each other and that we don’t have to make life harder than it needs to be. I do not want to jump from point A to point B because I am going enjoy this journey. There will be no greater gratification when I have successfully turned the corner and made a better life for myself. Hopefully all this writing can reteach me things about myself that I took for granted, and to see the flaws that I have encountered in my life.

With that being said, my Dad happened to flip to the movie Coach Carter while I was in the middle of writing this blog. He couldn’t have turned it on at a better time. Society has a funny way of oppressing every kind of person no matter their race, gender, ethnicity, or age. It is the strong minded though that just brush that off, and don’t let the little thing phase them. We all have that ability in us. We just have to find a way to overcome our fear and to let it shine. That is why I like this quote so much. I think it brings up a lot of good points and it makes me start believing in things again. That is where it all starts, A belief.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson