pavements

step after step I continue to walk not sure the pavements that i thought. how those pavements have changed with you not in my life anymore. i want to succeed even more knowing how things ended. I am not the only one at fault. I am human enough to make a mistake and we all make grave ones. You are just as hollow as the piece of coffin, shallow to the ground piggin yourself out to some chicken and waffle fries. That hole damn dissapeared how I made my cock vanish in your vagina. Surprised you could fit it. I was just happy you didnt leave a tampon in this time. I knew I had to be high to be with you. my vision needed to be blurred so i could slur some words out to you that you thought were love. Fell for it numerous times still wont learn your lesson. add baggage to baggage your billion bags but need one to just cover up your face make the world a better place.

The Perpendicular Parallel

The one year anniversary , the second time I got you back. The first time I realized you loved another person. Yeah you slipped up, I just never wanted to admit it. I didn’t like you at all. You just happened to be that person right in front of my foot. That class was bigger,  I was brighter, ideas on my mind. The First revolution since we i realized that was so long ago. The wind has blown over and im sitting here looking at snow. Wish you the best but enhancing every part that I own. I use it beyond a christian belief cause that limit cant feel the beats that I steal. Share no more moments together stronger more the better. I don’t know why my two best people would do this or is this another story I feel. The same person you fall for with no master appeal. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Time for the counter punch and it won’t stop until you got evidence you need to know who you messing with. Had to get this out. Never see me in the end.

Perseverance

He’s back and ready to rumble. I am currently back at MSU pursuing a psychology degree. I may switch it to pre-law or something like that. I really like to argue with people even if my personality doesn’t show it. Through the last couple of years I have withdrawn from multiple things whether it be school, university activities, family, friends, etcetera. I have been pretty nonexistent to this world for sometime now. I am sick and tired of it. I live with my brothers old friend who has a house right near campus, so I am very fortunate to have that. I have a perfect attendance record through two days, this coming from a guy who never attended classes. I convinced myself it was a waste of time and it almost cost me the opportunity that MSU presents. I sit in the front of all of my classes. I am determined to absolutely dominate this semester, and nothing will hold me back. My mindset is different, I don’t think I can really explain it, there is just something in the air. I feel like the Detroit Pistons, ain’t nothing stopping us right now.

Not all days will be good and not all days will be bad. The choice really comes down to how you perceive it. Do not ever get down on yourself because you are the only person that knows you fully. Spending your time wanting other people to like you will yield little results. Trust me I’ve tried it. The best thing you can do is take peoples advice with a grain of salt.

This is not the part where I try to throw God on you or anything but I think Jesus has a great connection on how people ought grow as human beings. The scriptures, the bible, the church, blah blah blah, I don’t give a hoot about that. Jesus played ball on his own terms. For Jesus would not have been Jesus had he done what all the others wanted him to do. My philosophy class last semester really taught me a lot about how I ought to live my life. I had lost all of my morals, I had lost the ability to give reasons for words, I had lost just about everything, or so I thought. Last year when I was busy I wrote down six to seven pages about how to be a man. There were a lot of repeats I am sure. I decided yesterday to throw them all out, because I learned that I never gave up on myself. I am back on my two feet and I am ready to run. Moderation does not exist in my life for you need to vigilant to achieve your goals. So I guess what I am saying is just like what Jimmy Valvano said “Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up”. I hope those words ignite a fire inside you and you keep the fire lit. Stuart Scott just died no more than ten days ago. He faced his fear of cancer and took another step towards showing people how when you get knocked down you need to get back up and fight like hell. He showed that consistency that we all strive for. Consistency, perseverance two amazing words that you can use to define yourself. For what is perseverance without being consistent with yourself?

The Secret

ohhhh my brain, my mind, my worst enemy, my best friend. We all have those thoughts. No one can imagine what goes on in my brain every second. No one can imagine the way I want to help people out. No one can see that I am the one with the most problems. The way I am programmed has a specific code that no one else has written before. The code that makes me pull into the meijer on haggerty to help someone get their car out of the road during traffic after working out. The code that made me treat my ex like she owed me something. The code that makes me want to smoke so I don’t feel the pain. The reason I do makes me who I am. The way I try to control things that will never cease control. How do I back up my promises? Why do I not accomplish what I have set out to do? When will things turn around? What makes me tick these days?

When I first started this blog site Writing 101 really set the stage for me to inspire my writing. They gave me a platform on what to write about for each day. Though I only continued doing it for five or six days, I learned something invaluable about myself. I wrote all of those blogs and it came from my thoughts. I was the platform for my own creation of this blog. If anyone has read any of these blogs and if you were patient enough to read my first one (lolz its amateuresk), I said I didn’t quite know what this blogs purpose would serve. Why have we learned as people to not give our secrets away? The secrets that make life worth living. The secrets that make us grow. The secrets that make us bond with one another. I am no Ralph Waldo Emerson, I am no Mark Twain, I am no Socrates, for I am no Plato. I am my own person, for I have something unique to contribute to this world.  I am sure that they all started at the bottom as Drake would say. They didn’t share the secret that boggles my mind every time I recognize someone not being their true self. Stop looking for secrets and you will find more answers than you ever thought you could. I have looked for a secret the last eight years of my life. I looked for something that was not there. I looked so I didn’t have to look in the mirror. I walked down the path of fear with the least resistance. Thinking it would lead to a more joyous life. Instead I had a 5000 pound bar keeping me still. Pushing me down showing me another way out. Just another link to attach to my chain. I answered fears calling with another fearful question dragging myself down until I found an easier solution. I chose no pain so I had no fear. I had no backbone or will to fight thinking life would work itself out. Boy or Girl was I wrong.

Time to break free from the chain. For it is only as real as you think it is. The finish line is closer than you think. Make those mistakes for they exist to make us grow. We have no time to kill. Society can be a burden or excuse we use when we don’t succeed. Society didn’t stick us on the bar. We put ourselves there. It provides comfort and all the answers that you seek. All the answers except the secret that no one person can preach. You hold the key to breaking free from the chain, since you put yourself there in the first place. If you were always right then you would never have to fix anything and we would live in a perfect world. Just realize every moment you have a chance to make a difference. Right as you feel the chain wrapping around your ankle, know you have the key within you to take it off whenever you want. Test yourself for you shall fall. Falling is the greatest achievement because you have so much higher you can go. Your foundation so wide as a result. Take a leap of faith and take that leap of faith again. Hope you say something that no one else would have thought of. For you friends will respect you so much more than if you just agree with everything they say. IF you say something wrong just know you are that one less answer away from the truth. The only way to get there is to keep making mistakes.

That Thing

We all think about things. I can’t pinpoint a thing. Things what an abstract word to describe such tangible quantities in the world. Technically everything is a thing. All the words we use to communicate they don’t mean a thing. The walls we climb over, the hurdles, the oppression, they all don’t mean a thing. I can have all of the money in the world, but i’d still be searching for that thing. I always had a sense of security, got stuck in the past. Now I feel like I am just going to be another thing. I hate dawging on myself but that’s starting to become a thing. Keep up or you’re down. It’s the first person who finishes that doesn’t need another thing. The way you talk, the respect for people, the generosity, that is more my sort of thing. I’m stuck into many moments, so many possible, so many more than I need. I Need to stop pinpointing things.

Step By Step…

Five months since my last post, right on the dot. I guess I should give an update as to whats been going on. I am currently taking classes at Schoolcraft College. I always seem to forget that it is not a University, but who really cares. I am switching my major after four years at MSU. I learned that Engineering was not that path for me, So I have embarked on new adventures. I am taking a philosophy class, a social psych class, and an online health class. I am taking those in hopes of getting back into MSU for the coming Winter semester. My major has changed to psychology though I am interested in pre-law. I have enjoyed my time at Schoolcraft and have immersed myself in the culture. I have auditioned for a play, joined the chess club, made some new friends, joined the wallyball club, and joined the fitness center at Schoolcraft. The whole experience has been quite eye opening for me. I have done a lot of activities for the first time like auditioning for the school play.. I just did it on a whim with my bud and a girl I met during the second day of class. I don’t consider myself an actor and I had to go in the first pairing for the audition. As nervous as I got, I just kept telling myself that I am not going to let this opportunity pass me by. The audition lasted for five minutes and I didn’t think I stood a chance in hell of getting called back. I didn’t even bother looking at the call back sheet because who in their right mind would want a guy with no experience for a three person script. A couple weeks passed by and I ran into the kid I auditioned with and he told me that I was on the call back sheet. Hearing that gave me a wave of emotions, like are you sure, no way, you are just yanking my chain, and then fuck why didn’t I look at the call back sheet. I have come to realize I am creating those small moments of brave where I let go and be myself. Then I get all content with myself again, reflecting on the good that I did in the past thinking that it is good enough. I keep going one step forward two steps back. As weird as it sounds I am so happy that I ended up at Schoolcraft. They provide the type of atmosphere where it’s normal to screw up. Schoolcraft has a vast range of people wether white, black, asian, ginger, older, younger, parent, ex military, inspiring actors ect. I say this because everyone there is an ocelot whether we like it or not. We are all just trying to find our own path on how to let go. What I am trying to get at is that one action or outcome doesn’t define you. We all have moments of greatness and moments of weakness. I have had my fair share of both. The greatest thing we can do is to own the moment to the best of our abilities at the time. If we achieve great, if we fail so what. All that matters is that we had the courage to take that step. I’ll finish today with this quote because it speaks volumes to how we humans persevere.

What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step. It is always the same step, but you have to take it. –

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

My Mood

My mood for the day when I woke up was pretty typical for the week. If I had to rate it from a 1-10, 10 rating the best, I’d start at a 6. I started out the day with a negative thought about the past. I was quick enough to realize my thought turned negative, so I turned on my meditation music to mellow my mind out. I ended up sitting in my bed for 15 minutes, not even realizing how much time had passed by. When I finally got out of bed, I went downstairs to see what was for breakfast, nothing made. My sister and Mom were heading to farmers market to get flowers. They told me I could make my own food, so I did no big deal. After they left my sister called the home phone. I knew she was calling for my mom. I already knew what she was going to ask but thought better of it to just answer the questions and not spend my time getting mad. She asked if they we were coming to her house to help her set up for her soccer party on saturday. I didn’t really want to go, so I politely declined. As I hung up the phone I felt pretty good that I didn’t get mad for no reason. Then I preceded to make dipping eggs. I’m getting pretty good at cooking them over easy, just the way I like them. After I ate, I went upstairs contemplating what to do. I didn’t really have any plans for the day. My friends were going to East Lansing to drink. I didn’t want to attend because I went last week and I was only one day away from a complete month of sobriety. That sense of accomplishment was coming my way and I didn’t want to lose it. When I went upstairs, I went on my computer to check my email. I saw that Best Buy had emailed. I had a feeling that they declined my job application. That ended up being the case but I didn’t let that bother me. I thought to myself, oh well their loss. After that I went on twitter for no reason. I should probably get rid of it again or just limit myself to two times a day for viewing. So there I sat sitting in my bed again my mind wandering and trying to control my thoughts. I caught myself again and told myself that I had to workout. That has been my best friend during the journey I have been on. I always feel better about myself and it takes my mind off things for a while. I went to workout and do my typical routine. Pretty normal day, not to crowded. I always look to say hi to Danielle, the lady that showed me around to lifetime before I signed up a couple weeks ago. She is pretty cool and funny. I am way out of my her league though. After I worked out, I decided not to get a haircut and just go straight home. I haven’t been able to make a decision on my haircut because I want to try something new. So, I adopted the I don’t give a frick attitude and let the luscious red hair flock as it may for the time being. When I got home everyone was gone and my Dad was upstairs sleeping. So I lingered in the family room for a couple hours just sitting there trying to keep positive thoughts. I thought about my ex a lot and that tends to make me get down on myself. Now that I know I am being negative, I yell at myself to stop and that seems to work. The rest of the day was blah, so hopefully tomorrow I will make it better.

I’ll Miss Standing out in a Crowd

 You are on a mission to Mars. Because of the length of the journey, you will never be able to return to Earth. What about our blue planet will you miss the most?

I’d miss the daily interactions with people the most. People have always fascinated me. Growing up as a person with red hair, I have gotten all kind of looks and names from every kind of person. I have been called Ginger, fire crotch, red, carrot top, FedEx and the devil. As much as I dislike it, I try and use it as a positive to judge the character of a person I meet. How long will it take them to call me a ginger or make a comment about my red hair. People don’t realize how much it can affect someone. It really is a good testament to their character, may not being the only way to tell if they are a genuine person but is significant in my life. When it happens everyday. I have only recently tried to make my red hair a positive part in my life because there is nothing I can do to change it.So I mine as well own it. I have had little kids at stores be scared of me or look at my red in shock and awe because I stand out in the crowd. I know it makes me unique to everyone else and haters are just gonna hate. So I guess I will miss being called a Ginger. I’m getting back to realize maybe I was given this Red hair to stand out.

“We spend our whole lives trying to fit in when we were born to stand out”-IDK I’ve heard it  somewhere before.

We were all put on this World at a different time, place, with different attributes. Thats what makes it so awesome. We were all meant to make a different mark. Mine just might have some shades of red to go along with it.

Quiet Room

Breathing Room

An extra room has magically been added to your home overnight. The catch: if you add more than three items to it, it disappears. How do you use it?

If the room magically appeared overnight I would hope it is sound proof. The three items I’d want in the room would be a memory foam bed/mattress, a blacklight that would illuminate the whole room, and a ball. I would use the room to get away from the world. It would let me take a step back and reflect on my thoughts. Memory foam beds are super comfortable, so that would definitely settle me down while i meditate. I could throw the ball against the wall so I would have a distraction to stop my thoughts from wondering. I like the way blacklight’s can change the atmopshere of a room. My room in college had blacklights and I always felt at peace and cool when I had them on. We are always trying to do so much in a day that we don’t give ourselves a rest. It would be my area to take a chill pill

Topless Container

Which emotion(s) — joy, envy, rage, pity, or something else — do you find to be the hardest to contain?

Emotions have a funny way of making us react to situations based off of our first instinct. Some of us choose to let that first instinct take control because it seems normal. Some of us choose to keep them all bottled up inside scared to let the world see how we react to life. I have had the fortunate opportunity to experience both sides of reacting to my emotions. In my experience fear would take the lead in having the greatest power over me. I have let fear take over for a little allowing it to cloud my thoughts and judgement. Shoot I have fear right now wondering how people would react to my blog. Two months ago I would have never wrote a blog, let alone talk about myself and my problems. See I am more of a people pleaser. I gain joy through seeing other people smile. I may have lost that when I stop taking care of myself.  But just like the first step in anything we do, we must first be able to recognize what we are doing. To step back and identify our emotions may make our problems a little bigger. Sometimes to solve a problem you have to make it larger so you can divide it up into smaller attainable steps to not overwhelm yourself. My biggest problem with fear stopped me from showing people for who I really am. Now that I recognize it though, I can take off the top of my container and let it fill with things that I have a bit of control over.

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”- Franklin D. Roosevelt